State of Confusion
by Dark Spell
Summary: It only made sense to hate him, but in reality Craig never stopped caring... [One-shot]


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**A/N: **An idea that just kind of forced its way in my head. It mainly consists of Craig's thoughts about his father during both high school and college. It is relatively short, I cut a lot of it out. I appreciate and welcome reviews, and if you feel the urge to flame me, go ahead, I really don't care. 

Oh, before I forget, the lyrics are from (I Hate) Everything About You by Three Days Grace.

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_Every time we lie awake  
After every hit we take  
Every feeling that I get  
But I haven't missed you yet_

He doesn't miss him, he'll never miss him. Never. Missing him would be like missing the violent shoves and vicious beatings, like missing the relentless belt-whippings he despised so much. Things like that he could never miss.

_Every roommate kept awake  
By every sigh and scream we make  
All the feelings that I get  
But I still don't miss you yet_  
  
Sometimes in the dead of night, he screams. Nightmares of his early years have never left him. Whenever his roommates question and worry, he brushes them off, telling them it was nothing. They think he hates him, but they can never know.

They can** never** know.

_Only when I stop to think about it_

He never stops wishing mom had never left, that he was still four and his father was still superman, a hero like the ones in his comic books. Back then his stomach wasn't bruised and discolored, he'd never had a black eye and pain was only used to describe a simple papercut or scraped knee.

But the past doesn't change, it will never change.

_I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you_

He just can't seem to forget the year he lost him. After that fight outside the restraunt, he wanted to retaliate. He wanted to make sure he never had to see him again. Sometimes, when he's sitting alone in his dorm, he cries. He knows he got his wish.

But why did it hurt so much?

_Every time we lie awake  
After every hit we take  
Every feeling that I get  
But I haven't missed you yet_

He's tried desperately to kill the emotion. All of it. "It's impossible to love him" he finds himself muttering. Only to realize that he's growing tired of lying to himself.

Somtimes he wonders if this feeling is some coniving little trick to make him feel guilty about choosing to abandon the home Albert Manning had provided for him.

_Only when I stop to think about it_

He's spent countless nights thinking about him. Fantasizing different endings than the one in his freshman year. He wound up imagining that he had accepted the trip to Europe, and was having a glorious time with his ideal dad.

_I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you_

After that dance, he'd felt like dying. He just didn't understand why he couldn't just go on hating him like he had for so long. Even after the blonde girl had tried to explain, he still didn't understand. How could he possibly miss the man who'd beaten him mercilessly with a golf club? How? It just didn't make sense...

But deep down, he knew the four words she'd told him were true.

"Because you love him."

_Only when I stop to think  
About you, I know  
Only when you stop to think  
About me, do you know_

His step father tried to replace him. He'd given him freedom, he'd bribed him happiness, but it couldn't replace the bond he had with Albert Manning, it never would.

_I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you  
You hate everything about me  
Why do you love me_

He still has the list. A list he'd written one night when the confusion and memories of his father were driving him to the brink of insanity. Its simple, containing all the reasons he has to hate his father.

_...The way he'd shift his moods so quickly. __His strict curfews, that never gave me any freedom. The way he'd he talk about mom like she were some kind of whore. He'd never let me see Angie. When he'd try to make everything right by 'buying me off' with some expensive gift after he'd beat me. The fact that he'd hit me just because of "stress"..._

Though the list is wrinkled and worn, he still keeps it with him, like a five year old girl would hold onto a teddy bear. He keeps thinking it'll keep all the confusion at bay and the emotions locked deep inside him.

_I hate  
You hate  
I hate  
You love me_

He remembers every beating, every argument, every time he said the words "I Hate Him" when someone even mentioned his father. Hate only made sense, it was what the outside world wanted to see, what it forced him to see as well.

Yet he's torn. Asking himself repeatedly why. Why he feels remorse everytime he remembers the argument they had that night, outside the restraunt. Why he can't stop loving the man he'd told the whole world he hated. Even now, as a college freshman, it's tearing him apart inside.

He just can't seem to put an end to all of the.... confusion.

_I hate everything about you  
Why do I love you_


End file.
